I'm Locked Out.

Frank and I have both agreed that since losing our baby boy we carry a chip on our shoulder.  For whatever reason, we think that we deserve to have this chip, and that people better recognize this about us and deal with it.  We are experiencing something that no one else has, right?  We are the only ones struggling, right?  What a selfish way to think, live and love.  Sure, we can't be strong every hour of the day, but why do we feel it's necessary to carry this chip and remind others of our constant struggle?  Is it envy?  Greed?  Apathy?

I now divide my life in 2 segments - life before Quinn (BQ) and life after Quinn (AQ).  Do mothers of living children do that?  Before Quinn, I had a zen sort of happiness about me.  I can honestly say that I WAS HAPPY for the first 30 years of my life.  What a great life it was.  I had a beautiful childhood filled with family vacations, my dad as my personal math tutor, dance recitals with my cousins, neighborhood games of tag, reckless incidents with my two brothers...I could go on and on.  High school was an awkward time, but I got to play soccer on the varsity team, I met Frank, played lots of pranks, there were dances and proms.... College was an amazing time.  Sure there was learning (none of which has EVER been used in the classroom) but there was life on my own, meeting new people, traveling to Jamaica for a class, parties....  Frank and I got married soon after, bought a house, a dog named Rudy, and that pretty much brings us up to date.

A part of me died the day my son did.  There is a huge gaping hole in my heart that is reserved for him.  My soul is incomplete without him.  I need to find that zen happiness again.  This is no way to experience the next 30 years of life.

I started reading a book called The Backdoor to Enlightenment.  The front door to enlightenment has obviously been locked for me, so I'll give the backdoor a try.  Hell, at this point, I'll break-in through a window and hold enlightenment at its own free will.

"Life is a struggle.  There is a strange trend in society to act as if these truths don't exist.  The suffering in the world is a problem that appears so insurmountable, sometimes we think our only option is to ignore it and hope it will all go away.  Certainly, you can stay busy acquiring things and doing activities to take your mind off the situation, but at the end of the day, you will be tired.  At the beginning of the next day, you will wake up tired.  At the end of all your tired days, you will be shocked to learn that your life is over.  That's the way you've lived until now, but there is another way." (page 14)

This is true for me.  I keep dwelling on the fact that the 'life' bag I got handed is full of crap.  I keep wondering when I'm going to get handed something sweet instead of working my ass off for it.  Every monumental step in these first 30 years has not come without some type of pain, discomfort, sadness, or fear.  Or, is it just my attitude now?  I never complained about any of the strife BQ.  Did I not notice, or did I not care?  When I listed above some of the ramblings of my childhood, was there any negative instance there?  That was purposeful.  I could list the childhood incidents that caused pain, discomfort, sadness, or fear but why?  It's the joyful and meaningful memories that constructed my being, not the negative ones.

"The potential for everything exists everywhere, and within that potential is a range of probabilities.  Our observations and our own reactions are what lock those probabilities into a single value or reality.  We have the potential to do many things with the next hour of our lives (read: I think I'll make potato salad.  Is that meaningful enough?).  As each second goes by, the actions we take limit those probabilities until we have exhausted the hour and locked it into actuality.  At each instant, our observation and reaction could nail down a completely new future."  (page 43)

Now, I could look at this 'nailing down a completely new future' garbage as positive or negative.  If I look back, I dreamt of Quinn as a baby at home in our arms.  How did my observations/reactions kill my child?  Did I EVER take actions to prohibit his life?  NEVER.  So, does this enlightenment only pertain to material things and not what Frank and I really want - a child? 

I might suggest this book to you once I'm finished.  But, only if it leads me in the path of my lost zen.