The SGM - July

The Secret Garden Meeting is a place that I have found that is full of other mommies like me. Each month, they provide you with some questions to be answered on your blog. I'm trying this out for the first time. Thanks to Tina and Rikki for pointing me in the direction of these meetings (I bet you didn't even know you did that!)

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

I have such a beautiful memory of Quinn's birth. Even though I only spent 23 weeks bonding with him, I wouldn't trade the kicks, rolls, and flutters for anything. Actually, I would give you my right arm to feel them again. I still wonder why his heart just simply stopped beating, no one can provide an answer for us. We knew walking into L&D that day that Quinn was gone, and the next 17 hours that I labored with him were the roughest 17 hours of my life. When I finally felt the urge to push, I wanted to, but I didn't want to all at the same time. When I felt him slip out, I knew he had slipped away from our family, our lives, our world. But, only in the physical spirit. I sobbed, knowing this was the beginning of the end. However, when I was handed my handsome son (weighing in at 12 ounces) I knew that he was placed there in my arms at that moment for some reason. He looked like his father, even at his age and size. I was given the gift of holding him, bathing him, playing with his fingers, tossling his blond hair, and proudly showing him off (amongst tears) to my family. Those beautiful hours that I spent with my husband and our first born son is where I imagine him.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

I haven't had a subsequent pregnancy yet. But, when that happens, I will continue living the healthy lifestyle that I already lead, and to recite this mantra:

"It's out of my hands"

and then be grateful of any gifts that we are given.