Thirty One

I envisioned today so differently.  In my dreams, it goes like this:

After a delightful birthday dinner of ribs and steamed vegetables with the husband, we return home for some cake.  As I bend over to blow out the candles, my swollen and pregnant belly touches the cake, and I return to a standing position wearing white frosting on my shirt.  I laugh, as I take a napkin and wipe it off.  Frank promises to try and remove the stain in the next load of laundry.  He cuts me a piece of cake, and we sit at the table and humorously argue over boys names, and which sports our unborn son will play.

But that's not going to happen today.  Today really is my birthday.  Today I'm 31.  And I'm not pregnant.

I feel 41.  I feel like I've lost the last 10 years of my life, not just one.  I'm not real excited about this birthday, eventhough there are festivities planned.  To be honest, there is not much to be excited about in the month of February.  There are many tragedies, losses, and heartbreak in this month for our family.  I just want it to go away.  Skip, February every year.  I love leap years.

I've decided that 31 is too old to not be a mom, especially when you've been ready for momhood for several years.  So far in my life, this is the ONE thing that I CAN'T make happen.  I get what I want.  I'm a spoiled brat like that.

Example of me being a bitchy spoiled brat.

But now, I reflect back on the "Year That I Was 30" and it was terrible.  Awful.  Can I redo 30?  I know that I wrote about 23 Things here that were good, but have you looked through them?  Nothing too spectacular, just some good times with friends, family, and nature.

I guess that I'm angry about this age because of the loss of Quinn, and my still empty arms.  There are people out there that ask how I am doing, and if I'm moving on.  I'm trying.  I had to start all over again, and that is slowing the process a little.  I'm at my own pace right now, and I deserve to be angry and unhappy some days.  Although today is the day I came screaming into this world, I'm still pissed that my son didn't.

Today is also an anniversary.

My parents and I are celebrating 31 years together.  I'm sure that makes them feel old, but I know they feel blessed to have had me, even when the doctor told them it would be difficult to have children.  They had 3.

My brothers and I (From left:  me, Hollywood, & Rocco)

I went to dinner last night with them and they were telling me my birth story: 

My mom had just finished putting away all the gifts she received, and jokingly said, "Ok, I'm all done.  We can have the baby now."  And her water broke.  My father was watching the movie Rocky, and jumped up to start the car.  It was snowing and icy, and they barely made it to the hospital, the whole time Dad's leg was vibrating from nervousness.  Even through the contractions, she still complimented a nurse on the size and beauty of the diamond on her hand.  My father was not allowed in the delivery room, and my mother refused to push until he was allowed in.  The doctor broke out the forceps.  She refused.  They let my father in, 2 minutes later I was born, and he was whisked out.  He was not allowed back for 3 hours, and they were not allowed to hold me.  My father wanted to go home and get some things, and the car wouldn't start.  So, a nurse (who is now one of their good friends) drove him home. 

It has snowed almost every birthday I can remember.  My mom always took me out of school on my birthday (if I wanted to) so that we could celebrate by doing whatever I wanted - which was definitely NOT school.  We would go to lunch, get our nails done, see a movie... the list goes on.  As a kid, I always just wanted a pool party outside.  Winter birthdays suck, your party always has to be inside.  And for us growing up, there weren't many options besides Chuck E Cheese and your house.  By about 2nd grade you get sick of Chuck E Cheese.

Maybe I'll have a pool party next year.  Anyone up for Mexico for my 32nd???

So, to my loving, supportive, beautiful parents, Happy Anniversary.  I hope that we are all still here on Earth another 31 years to celebrate together.

My Mommyhead, My Papa Cash, and I at a Pub Crawl.  Yeah, you know you're jealous, and want parents as cool as mine.

I want to write all the things that I would like to accomplish in my 32nd year of life, but I'm going to let my man Eddie sum it up for ya.  You all know I'm obsessed.

Amongst The Waves

What used to be a house of cards

Has turned into a reservoir
Save the tears that were waterfalling

Let's go swim tonight, darling


And once outside the undertow
Just you and me, and nothing more
If not for love, I would be drowning
I've seen it work both ways


But I am up riding high amongst the waves
Where I can feel like I
Have a soul that has been saved
Where I can feel like I've
Put away my early grave

I gotta say it now
Better loud than too late


Remember back, the early days
When you were young, and less amazed
Suddenly the channel changed
The first time you saw blood


Cut to later, now you're strong
You've bled yourself, the wounds are gone
It's rare when there is nothing wrong
Survived and you're amongst the fittest


Love ain't love until you feel it
Up riding high amongst the waves


I can feel like I
Have a soul that has been saved
I can see the light
Coming through the clouds in rays


I gotta say it now
Better loud than too late
I gotta say it now


Better loud than too late

Riding high amongst the waves
I can feel like I
Have a soul that has been saved
I can see the light
Coming through the clouds in rays


I gotta say it now
Better loud than too late


I gotta say it now
Better loud than too late


Say it now
Better loud than too late

Ahh, Eddie always makes me feel better.  I hope some day I have the opportunity to see him live.  Well, Frank and I are off to a little breakfast before I see my chiropractor.  Then, we will celebrate - as we like to celebrate any milestone - with a Blackhawks game.  I can't wait to see my friend Bert tonight, who I share my birthday with.  Happy Birthday Bert!