Time Heals?
I haven't posted for quite some time for obvious reasons, but it's now May 1st. Frank and I have had many 'firsts' in the past months, and still wonder, 'Does time really heal?' I don't think that people realize how your view of the world changes when something like this happens. Every step that you take that involves a baby, or friends that you haven't seen and don't know your situation is a 'first step'. Even being in a restaurant with a crying baby is difficult. There have been many new doors to open and walk through. We visited the Labor & Delivery unit for the first time since we were there, to see a new baby, delivered to our friends healthy and happy. It seems that many people around me are announcing their pregnancies - from friends, to co workers, to acquaintances. Every where I turn there is a pregnant woman. It also seems that everyone is having a boy this year too! As the time has passed, these doors are getting easier to walk through. Although, there are many people that are still sensitive to the things they talk about around Frank and I, I wish they wouldn't be. Frank and I are living our lives, trying to heal these raw, open wounds, and we need people to be less sensitive of us, and more realistic.
Let's talk about realistic. We saw a specialist. There is absolutely no medical reason that Quinn died. How's that for realistic. So now, Frank and I stand here with our hands in the air as confused as ever. Nothing like a good slap in the face from reality. So...why? Why did this happen? Frank and I will always ask ourselves why, but we hope that there are live, healthy children in our future. Since we can't do anything to prevent this from happening again, all we can do is hope. Now that's a scary reality.
Another reality? We can try this again. Which is like putting a cherry on top of a pile of shit. The tricky part is focusing on the cherry, and not what's below it. I won't lie - we're scared. We don't want to hurt like this again. However, I am so prepared to do whatever it takes to become a mother, even if that risks my already fragile state.
The good news is that we are able to laugh together again, but there are still moments in the day where we reflect together - and apart - about this journey. Frank and I have a bond stronger than ever. I can't believe that this happened for that reason, because we were already so solid.
With May being the start to the summer (what was to be a wonderful and magical summer) his actual due date of June 22 creeps up on us slowly. Time for us is at a stand still as the world changes and grows around us. We feel that parenthood is a reality, but it's so far off in the distance.
Thanks for your support and love.
Let's talk about realistic. We saw a specialist. There is absolutely no medical reason that Quinn died. How's that for realistic. So now, Frank and I stand here with our hands in the air as confused as ever. Nothing like a good slap in the face from reality. So...why? Why did this happen? Frank and I will always ask ourselves why, but we hope that there are live, healthy children in our future. Since we can't do anything to prevent this from happening again, all we can do is hope. Now that's a scary reality.
Another reality? We can try this again. Which is like putting a cherry on top of a pile of shit. The tricky part is focusing on the cherry, and not what's below it. I won't lie - we're scared. We don't want to hurt like this again. However, I am so prepared to do whatever it takes to become a mother, even if that risks my already fragile state.
The good news is that we are able to laugh together again, but there are still moments in the day where we reflect together - and apart - about this journey. Frank and I have a bond stronger than ever. I can't believe that this happened for that reason, because we were already so solid.
With May being the start to the summer (what was to be a wonderful and magical summer) his actual due date of June 22 creeps up on us slowly. Time for us is at a stand still as the world changes and grows around us. We feel that parenthood is a reality, but it's so far off in the distance.
Thanks for your support and love.
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