Wait.

I have spoken openly about wanting my 'old' self back - the person that I become before Quinn.  The laid-back, happy, adventurous, zen-like person.  The person that I crafted so delicately and worked so hard at becoming up there in my bedroom laboratory before Frank was my husband.  It took me quite some time to figure out the real me.

Frank and I had a discussion the other day about how we weren't even really trying when we got our positive pregnancy test.  We had talked about waiting another month, and, oops.  I loved that this was the way it was going to happen for us.  I have friends and family members that have tried so hard to get their eggy preggy, so, standing from the sidelines, I secretly hoped that would never be me.  It put such a strain on their marriages, their social lives, and their whole demeanor.

But, what if we had waited to the next month (which would have been October 2008)?  Obviously, Quinn would never have been.  This is the weird part:

I am at peace at the way this all turned out.  I'm starting to like the person that I have become because of Quinn.  I still do not know the reason that he was placed in my arms for a brief moment, but now I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, as Frank and I struggle with conception, I am more and more grateful for the memories I have of my only child.  Even as painful and disturbing as they are, there is a ribbon of beauty entwined.  Right now, this is the only chance I have at being a mother, because you never know what your future holds.  I'll squeeze tight to that, and wish there is another miracle coming my way soon. 

And, while I'm here wishing for miracles, I have a blogging friend that lost a daughter and is fighting for her miracle through infertility. 

So, if you are someone out there that can do something about that for us, we'd appreciate it.