Happy June
I think that I have sat here for at least 30 minutes thinking about what to write today. I have so many feelings about the start of June, but can't seem to organize them or talk them through. But it's finally here. June. The month that Frank and I were to be parents.
By now, I would have had the baby shower, and the idea of it being a boy would still be fresh news for me. It still makes me sad to think back to February 2nd - the day Frank found out the sex - and how happy it made him. He told me recently that he looked at the doctors script with "It's a BOY!" on it at least 4 times on the way to and from work. He did this for a week solid. It makes me sad to think that he'll never get to play ball with Quinn, or teach him to shave. I looked forward to watching Frank cut the lawn with a tot following close behind with his plastic lawn mower, and to see big legs and little legs sticking out from under the car as Daddy shows him where the oil is.
Mother's Day was very confusing for me. Am I a mother? I'm grateful that I had just a few short hours with Quinn, but does that make me a mom? Quinn might have been stillborn, but he was still born. So, I think that makes me a mom.
I know that I did nothing wrong to make this happen, but I still feel so guilty and responsible. I don't know that those feelings will ever go away. Frank and I are working on accepting the fact that there is no reason for Quinn's death. This is not easy, and I'm pretty sure that we will never accept it. We talk about moving forward, but it's so much easier to talk about than to do.
As each day of June comes closer to the June 22nd due date, Frank and I search for comfort in each other. We appreciate our family and friends wanting to do various things to help us heal.
But now, it's up to Frank and I to lean on each other and move on. And we are waiting for June 22nd to pass to do that. We want to end one chapter before we start another.
By now, I would have had the baby shower, and the idea of it being a boy would still be fresh news for me. It still makes me sad to think back to February 2nd - the day Frank found out the sex - and how happy it made him. He told me recently that he looked at the doctors script with "It's a BOY!" on it at least 4 times on the way to and from work. He did this for a week solid. It makes me sad to think that he'll never get to play ball with Quinn, or teach him to shave. I looked forward to watching Frank cut the lawn with a tot following close behind with his plastic lawn mower, and to see big legs and little legs sticking out from under the car as Daddy shows him where the oil is.
Mother's Day was very confusing for me. Am I a mother? I'm grateful that I had just a few short hours with Quinn, but does that make me a mom? Quinn might have been stillborn, but he was still born. So, I think that makes me a mom.
I know that I did nothing wrong to make this happen, but I still feel so guilty and responsible. I don't know that those feelings will ever go away. Frank and I are working on accepting the fact that there is no reason for Quinn's death. This is not easy, and I'm pretty sure that we will never accept it. We talk about moving forward, but it's so much easier to talk about than to do.
As each day of June comes closer to the June 22nd due date, Frank and I search for comfort in each other. We appreciate our family and friends wanting to do various things to help us heal.
But now, it's up to Frank and I to lean on each other and move on. And we are waiting for June 22nd to pass to do that. We want to end one chapter before we start another.
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