The SGM - August

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.

I actually just blogged about this a few weeks ago! Quinn's room was painted green, because we didn't want to know his gender (and isn't that what you do, you paint it green???). My mother made me a frog quilt when I was younger, and I wanted to use that as the main piece in the room. The wall color came from the quilt. I also had 2 large wardrobes and a small bookcase that were a light natural color that were going to be used. When we lost Quinn, we were preparing to put the trim on, so the room was a disaster.

What is your baby's room now? If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now?

We finally repainted the room (I call the color coffee with cream and sugar). On one of the walls, we have a few colors taped up to possibly use as an accent wall. All the trim is up and the furniture is all in it's place. It looks empty. We had it closed for some time after we came home. Just shut the door, like that was going to help me not relive every single terrible second of his loss. I think it was my brother that walked through the house when I was in the hospital that day, and took every single baby item and book from throughout the house and put them in Quinn's room and shut the door. When I came home, memory box in hand, I walked straight upstairs to that room and placed that box in his room and shut the door. It took me a few days to go in and see the box again. I decided that I hated the box they gave us, and I made one of my own. It took us quite some time, but that room became less and less about Quinn, and more about just a baby's room. Not specific to what baby. It took a while for Frank to say 'baby's room' after Quinn died. It's about the box now though. The silver tag that is hanging on the side off his name says, "Carried to Heaven on Angels Wings". That was part of a necklace that was given to me. The other half is a simple silver angel wing, so I feel connected to him that way when I wear it. I go the box when I need something tangible to remember him - not the room. The box looks big in this picture, but it's just enough to hold all of the special things that I wanted to place in there. It was important to have his hat, his shirt, his ID bracelets, all my ultrasounds, the doctors script that says 'It's a boy!', and the cast moldings of his feet and hands that the nurses did at the hospital. I also have some cards that my students made that are so sweet that they make me laugh. It was important to also include a square from the new frog quilt that grandma was starting. She thought the first frog quilt was too girlie, and wanted to make a more boyish one just incase we had a boy. The only thing missing, was him.

It took me a long to time to complete this box. There was so much love put into it, and it's difficult to paint straight when you are sobbing. I wanted to get it finished by the time we picked up his ashes. We decided to bring Quinn home on his due date, June 22nd. I believe that I was completely numb for the 38 seconds that I was in the funeral home receiving him, but still found the strength to carry his box inside with me. When he handed me my son, I opened the box right there and made room for him. All was right with the world on that day, because my beloved son fit into the box I had made for him, amongst all his worldly possessions. He now rests in the hope chest (ironic, right?) in our bedroom. If you know me and were to ask me about his box, I would proudly show it to you, like any proud mother shows pictures of their children.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

I hope I'm given a chance to set up a baby's room again. Maybe even complete it this time. And fill it with a baby!!! We're not afraid of bringing a human into this world, we are actually excited about that thought. When will it be our turn again? I wish I knew that answer, because we want it so badly!